so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize