i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
