Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
