How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
