Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
