I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The Olympian is in my bed
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
