she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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