You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
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