True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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