awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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