R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
