I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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