They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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