I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
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