apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
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it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
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As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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