The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
