Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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