Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
