I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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