Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
