Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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