Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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