Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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