you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
