you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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