I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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