I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
