It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Damn victory sex feels great
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
