I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
