somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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