you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
