The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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