I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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