I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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