Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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