I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
