Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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