Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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