my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
