True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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