1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
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first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
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Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.