He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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