Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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