I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
