FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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