i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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