Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
