I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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