my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
