Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
