Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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