Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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