The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
