The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
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I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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