I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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