Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
